Emmie's Moving!

WARNING . . . this is very long!

So I never thought I would actually do this. I have many friends and family members who write in blogs. I kept wondering why they would "put it out there" for anyone to read.

What made me change my mind? My oldest child just left home and I feel empty inside. As I reached out with my feelings on Facebook & Twitter I came to find out that I wasn't alone. Why don't people talk about how hard it is for the Mom to deal with their children moving on? Sure, I've heard about "empty nesters" but my nest isn't empty. I have 4 other children.

Who am I? My name is Beth. I am in my 40's. I am married to "Charlie Brown". We met and dated in High School (perhaps more on this later). I was married at 20 and had my first child, "Emmie", the day before I turned 26. She's almost 20. I have twin sons, "G-boy" & "T-boy", (17 years old) a second daughter, "Rosie", (15 years old) and my baby girl, "Essie" (11 years old). I am a stay-at-home Mom & have been at home with my kids since Emmie was 10 weeks old. I did work at home for a few years and then delivered early morning newspapers. I have not worked a paying job since 2000. I love to play the flute (although I don't do it very often), cross stitch (although I've been working on the same one for over a year and it's really small), read and spend time with my family. I do play video games occasionally by myself but mostly with my children. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was born and raised in the church. I have 7 sisters and 3 brothers. I am the oldest daughter and the second child in the family. I am the 2nd child in my family. I do not like things to be disorganized even though they often are. I am the Primary President in our Ward (congregation). The Primary is the organization of Sunday School classes for the children 18 months - 12 years old. Emmie was my Secretary until a few weeks ago.

Emmie was born the day before my 26th birthday. I was working in the operations department of a local bank, Potomac Valley Bank. In September/October, the year before she was born, our department started the summer planning for the next year. My parents were planning on renting a house on the Outer Banks of NC (something we had done as children) in August the following summer. I was really hoping to be able to go. My boss, Jean, wanted the same weeks off. She said because she was the boss and had seniority she would get first choice. I was the last one to join the operations department (only a year earlier). I had worked for the bank almost 7 years at the time but Jean had been there since before time and Karen (the other girl in the department) had been there like 15 years. I was going to get last choice (as I had  earlier that year). I was so upset that I might have to miss the family vacation. My sister #4 and her husband were moving back to MD with their young son J (from UT). I thought about quitting a few weeks before beach week so I could go but knew that I would have to find another job to come back to. I wasn't sure what to do but told Mom that Charlie Brown & I would be there. In November, right before Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant and due 3 weeks before the beach vacation, on July 30th.. Jean was so upset because it messed up her vacation plans. Jean was sure Emmie would arrive on her due date because I liked everything to be scheduled. Jean said only I could have a child born on their actual due date. I had written in the calendar on my desk on July 30th "have baby". I went into labor on July 29th and Emmie was born in the late afternoon on July 30th. Amazingly Jean was correct and Emmie was actually born on her due date.

I was torn between wanting to stay at home with her and knowing we would not have enough money to live if I did. I went back to work when she was 6 weeks old. One of my sisters, Tammy, was my daycare provider. She was also taking care of Laurie's, another sister's, son.

The day I went back to work my parents were out of town and my husband & I were house-sitting. There were 6 of my siblings still living at home. Tammy was living back home after living temporarily in Utah, she was the childcare provider. Emmie had a really hard day that first day. She had never really taken to bottles and didn't eat much that day. Let's just say it was a LONG night full of nursing. After a few days of coming home to a very sad daughter and very frustrated sister, I decided to resign my position at the bank. I found some part time work that I could do at home. I never realized that even though it wasn't supposed to take too long to do, it would. I only stayed with them a few months (maybe 5-6?). I went back to delivering newspapers. Charlie Brown and I had started delivering the papers after we were first married just to make some "fun money". Unfortunately the fun never started because we really needed the money. He took over the job when Emmie was born to free me up for her. When I went back to delivering, I took on new routes and he kept the ones he was doing.

When G (Joshua) and T (Anthony) were born Emmie was only 2 ½ years old. She took a lot of responsibility upon herself as the older sister. Her only “job” was to make sure we kept G’s right big toenail painted red. (They are identical twins and we painted 1 toenail to make sure we didn't mix them up) Even though it was her "job" I often repainted it when she wasn't around.

Rosie (Maggie) arrived a month after the boys 2^nd birthday. After she was born Emmie told her Nursery School teachers that she just didn't know how she was going to take care of 3 children & that 2 were hard enough. They asked me if perhaps I had given Emmie too much responsibility. I had to talk with her that evening about how her only responsibility was to make sure I washed Rosie's feet when I gave her a bath & that if we missed once or twice Rosie would be okay. Emmie has always taken her responsibility of Big Sister very seriously.

Essie (Samantha) was born when Emmie was 8 ½ years old. She was in the delivery room with us and was the first one, other than the doctor, to hold her sister. Over the years Emmie has been extremely helpful and never really got into much trouble.

She graduated from Gaithersburg High School in June of 2010. She attended our community college for the last 2 years. Over this time we have spent a lot of time together. There was a lot of time when the other children weren't there and we quickly became more than just mother/daughter. We became awesome friends.

Before graduation her plan had been to go to BYU in Provo, UT.  She didn't get grades that she felt would qualify her for BYU. She decided to attend the community college for 2 years then transfer to BYU.  We were very supportive of her decision. As she was finishing up this last semester, we started talking to her about her plans. She was a bit reluctant about moving. She had "forgotten" to apply to BYU the previous fall. She said it was because of the bed bugs we were dealing with (I might share more on this later). She thought she might move to Provo before attending BYU to get employment and a place to live and then eventually go to BYU. She hadn't really figured out when to go, just sometime before starting school. Megan, a girl in our Ward (congregation) was going on vacation to the Provo area and needed help with her 2 kids on the airplane. She talked to Emmie about going with them & being her extra hands. Emmie wasn't too sure about that. Her father & I (sort of) convinced her that this would be good. Megan was going to help cover the cost of the airfare. This way Emmie wouldn't have to go alone on the plane, even though she had flown alone before. My younger sister, Mandi, lives in Spanish Fork, UT and had a place Emmie could live until she finds her own place. Emmie decided to go with Megan.

So . . . yesterday (Thursday, June 7, 2012), Emmie left me. We had about 2 months to prepare for her departure. At first I was really sad about her going. It seemed to come up much too quickly as I hadn't thought she was sure when she was going to go. I had really thought we would have this summer together before she left. When I spoke with her about it she asked me not to be sad in front of her because then she would not be "able" to go. I honored her wishes as best as I could and kept my feelings to myself, my spouse and my journal. As we got closer to departure date I got worse and worse about not being sad.

Sunday our church had a testimony meeting (a meeting where anyone in the congregation can share their feelings & thoughts about the gospel). A sister in our Ward bore (shared) her testimony. Her family is moving in a few weeks and she wanted to say "good-bye" & let us know she had a testimony before she moved. I was sitting in the pew behind her family. Her youngest daughter, Sage, was sitting in front of me. Sage and I had gotten off to a rough start a few years ago but now she is one of my favorite children (although I do have a lot of favorites). Sage & I have a special bond though because of the rough period of adjustment we went through together. I guess I had been planning on so many children moving that I hadn't entirely focused on who would be gone. I realized that Sage would be moving. I started to think about how different the Primary would be once all the families who are moving this month would be gone. I then realized (duh!) that Emmie would also be gone. I started crying. The meeting lasted about 45 more minutes and I think I cried almost the entire time. Of course, Emmie is sitting right next to me. The Bishop (leader of the congregation) got up to announce the closing song and changed it from one I love (that makes me cry sometimes) to a different one that makes me cry almost every time, God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again. I could not even sing the first verse. Emmie held my hand and cried with me. The Bishop was having trouble singing as well. A good friend who works with me in Primary, Safire, said the only way she was able to get through the song was to count how many people were crying.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are now a blur to me. I'm not sure what we actually did other than pack Emmie's stuff up & get her ready to leave. Thursday morning, I drove Emmie, Megan & her 2 kids to the airport. Rosie & I had arranged with one of her teachers to take one of her final exams during the make-up time so she could come with me. I was worried about being alone after dropping Emmie off. Rosie & I left BWI airport after Emmie & the others had gone through security. Rosie was very quiet on the ride home. She said she was tired. At the time I was very upset with her for not talking to me (she is rather talkative). I was crying almost the entire way home and don't remember the entire trip. I was upset with Rosie but now looking back, perhaps she was having a bit of trouble with Emmie leaving also (she may never admit to that though).

When I got home G and T were home from exams. They were "busy" on their computers playing a game. I went to my room, shut the door and lost it. I hurt so much. I already missed Emmie so much. I was afraid I hadn't said everything I wanted & needed to say to her. I know in my head that this is good for her but I hurt inside. I feel like something is missing in my life. I worry that she's not okay. I worry that she won't tell me when she needs me or even worse that she won't need me.

How are we supposed to care for them and raise them and worry about

them for so long and then just let them leave?

When my sister, Heather, went off to college I was recently married and living about 5 minutes from Mom. The entire family went to take her to college even though it was BYU in Provo, UT. Charlie Brown & I drove my Mom's car (full of Heather's stuff). After visiting with Charlie Brown's sister in Chicago we met up with the rest of my family on their way to UT. We all got to see my sister's dorm room & take a look around campus. And . . . she came home for Christmas and then again for the entire summer. It took her a few years and a mission for the church to decide that MD wasn't her home anymore. BTW - today she lives in Washington State with a husband & 2 sons. I only see her once or twice a year.

What if Emmie decides she doesn't want to come back to MD except to visit? What if she doesn't want to visit us? What if we move & she isn't comfortable in our new home? Charlie Brown & I have been talking for years about moving from MD after G & T graduate HS next year. What if she gets married & doesn't live near me? What am I to do with all those empty hours when she would've been with me? I don't want to watch the shows she's got on the TiVo that I would've watched with her. I don't want to play the video games we played (some together some just sitting together). I really don't want to do much of anything.

She did text me when the plane landed. I texted her a few times after that & she didn't reply. I finally called her 2 hours later. She had gone with Megan to her family's house for dinner & my sister had just picked her up & she was on her way to Mandi's house. We chatted for a few minutes while she was in the car. She promised to call me today.  Mandi sent me a picture of her chatting with me. She's got tears in her eyes, does she miss me too?

Last night was so quiet. Her room was next to the Living Room. Charlie Brown often stays up later than me watching TV. I would often fall asleep to him & Emmie watching TV & laughing at something. Last night I went to her room after the other children had gone to bed. It is almost empty. She took almost everything. It really hit me hard that she's not planning on coming back. She did leave a few things that would not fit in her bags. She has asked me to send them to her when she gets an apartment. I noticed her church bag & backpack on the floor next to a box. I picked up the church bag & just held onto it. I really wanted to hug her but of course I couldn't. I had to sit down. I noticed that she hadn't made her bed (not that she ever did). I lay down on her pillows and just cried for about 15-20 minutes. At some point, I fell asleep. I remember grabbing for her blanket, which was still there. I remember the dog coming onto the bed with me & climbing into the blanket. I slept there about 4 hours. When I woke up Charlie Brown had gone to bed & it was dark. I went to the bathroom & came to our bedroom; it was 3:15 AM. I was checking to see if she had texted me or Facebooked me. I ended up posting my sadness on Facebook, again. Charlie Brown got up & went to the bathroom. I had thought he was asleep. When he came back from the bathroom, he got on his computer & emailed his work to let them know he would be taking today off. The rest of the night was VERY LONG! I know I fell asleep sometime after 5 AM. Rosie woke me up when she left for school. I forced myself to get up about an hour later to spend some time with Essie before she had to leave for school.

Emmie did call me this morning. It was so good to hear her voice. I had called her phone multiple times while she was on the airplane knowing that I could/would hear her voice while not bothering her. I have texted her multiple times today, she has always been slow to answer my texts. I don't want to drive her crazy and push her away . . . but I NEED to talk to her.

What do I do now? This is something I've got to figure out, probably by myself . . . . . .